I've heard some of these

[jimmyf]

THINGS ONLY A POLICE OFFICER WOULD SAY

Just how big were those two beers?

Your life is not my fault.

The handcuffs are tight because they are new. They will stretch out
after you wear them awhile.

If you take your hands off the car, I will make your birth certificate a
worthless document.

If you run, you will only go to jail tired.

Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?

So, you do not know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on your ticket, huh?

Yes Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I do not think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I AM the shift supervisor?

Warning? You want a warning? Okay, I am warning you not to do that
again or I will give you ANOTHER ticket.

The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

Fair?! You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey- poop.

No Sir, we do not have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we are allowed to write as many tickets as we want.

I know, I know, your kid is an honor student at the juvenile detention
center.

I am glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a good friend of yours. At
least you know someone who can post your bail.

No, I do not think that they should use the electric chair; I think they
need to use electric BLEACHERS!

Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and I get the big screen
television.