For those who get "forwards" by well meaning friends and relatives

[MorganGrayson]

I get a lot of these, usually from people I love and can't smack. This arrived in my inbox this morning and broke me up.

Hi All,

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.
Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

[CDSmith]

Yeah, that's a good one. I've seen that one in forwarded emails maybe a half dozen times now.

I admit I've been a bit of a meany to a few people out there in cyberspace. At one point, oh back in '99 or early 2000, I was getting literally flooded with forwarded shit from well-meaning folks and had to put a stop to it. I asked several people to please take me off their forwarding list and every one of them got miffed at me and stopped the contact all together. Oh well.

For the past few years I have kept a small but talented group of people on my email list, who forward me jokes and such. I now run a site called www.jokesbee.com where I post some of the best stuff they send me. Hey, may as well do something productive with it, right?

[TheEnforcer]

Hahahahahahahaha!!

That was great Morgan!!

[Red]

That was great Morgan. I need to send that to my future mother-in-law. She's my big forwarder.

[MorganGrayson]

Thank you, everybody!

I bookmarked your site, CD! I'll get fodder to fire back at my mother-in-law, who is my biggest "forwarder." Unfortunately, she's also on AOL and sends me things with peculiar extensions that I just delete. I've also had to do the "open" thing on some of hers about ten times to get to whatever the hell it was she was forwarding.

[VooMan]

Morgan, that was classic!

I finally had to tell my sister to knock it off last year. She sends every joke and heartwarming story to everyone in her address book, every friggen day. She was very pissed off when I told her, but she got over it...

[Red]

Originally Posted by MorganGrayson

I've also had to do the "open" thing on some of hers about ten times to get to whatever the hell it was she was forwarding.

Oh I really hate those, especially when you get to the last one and it's blank.

[MorganGrayson]

Originally Posted by VooMan

Morgan, that was classic!

I finally had to tell my sister to knock it off last year. She sends every joke and heartwarming story to everyone in her address book, every friggen day. She was very pissed off when I told her, but she got over it...

VooMan, I don't have the heart to tell my mother-in-law to...er...halt. We never dreamed that she'd take to this "internet thing" with the enthusiasm with which she did. She's on her computer just about all day long. The only thing I really, really, REALLY wish is that she'd take the caps lock off when she emails me. That so bugs. It's like getting screamed at in every email. But, I'm currently the "good, favorite child" because I gave her a subscription to americangreetings.com and she can send e-cards. I want to stay the good child.

Originally Posted by Red

Oh I really hate those, especially when you get to the last one and it's blank.

Oh, that drives me crazy!! I end up screaming "I don't even know who you people ARE but I hate you all!"

I'm going to give in to the temptation to harvest all their email addresses and send them sponsor links from a hotmail account someday, I just know I am.

[CDSmith]

Originally Posted by MorganGrayson

VooMan, I don't have the heart to tell my mother-in-law to...er...halt. We never dreamed that she'd take to this "internet thing" with the enthusiasm with which she did. She's on her computer just about all day long. The only thing I really, really, REALLY wish is that she'd take the caps lock off when she emails me. That so bugs. It's like getting screamed at in every email. But, I'm currently the "good, favorite child" because I gave her a subscription to americangreetings.com and she can send e-cards. I want to stay the good child.


Oh, that drives me crazy!! I end up screaming "I don't even know who you people ARE but I hate you all!"

I'm going to give in to the temptation to harvest all their email addresses and send them sponsor links from a hotmail account someday, I just know I am.

Capslock.... yes, my oldest brother types in all caps a lot. He says it's easier than try to use the shift key to type normally. I told him to get a typing tutor CD and us it. ha ha

He also figured out how to use the "request reciept" function when sending these joke emails, so now I get 5 emails from him and have deal with the prompts that come up for each one. I always click "NO" so he gets no receipts from me.... just to piss him off. lol

[Sin]

Luckily ppl don't send me forwards really.

[MorganGrayson]

Originally Posted by CDSmith

Capslock.... yes, my oldest brother types in all caps a lot. He says it's easier than try to use the shift key to type normally. I told him to get a typing tutor CD and us it. ha ha

He also figured out how to use the "request reciept" function when sending these joke emails, so now I get 5 emails from him and have deal with the prompts that come up for each one. I always click "NO" so he gets no receipts from me.... just to piss him off. lol

I doubt my mother-in-law will ever discover how to do anything more with email. It took her ages to figure out how to do what she can do now.

I'm just grateful to have ways of communicating with her. She's getting up there and is the only "parental unit" we have left, so I do tend to bomb her with emails and flowers, etc., so...that she knows....