;-)))

[Winetalk.com]

1. Food has replaced sex in my life. Now, even I can't get into my own
pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it, so I asked,
"Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just
standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
11. I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get
elected.
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: yours and shithead's.
14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys.
But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!
15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.
16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
18. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving
me lately!
19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.
20. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
rabbits
on the highway?
21. How come we choose from just two people running for president and 50
for
Miss America?
22. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"