Chili? that's the answer...
These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from New Jersey...
"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the
State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili
cook-off.
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last
moment, and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a
fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the
scorecards from the event."
*****Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie
in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
*****Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
*****Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this
nuclear-waste I'm eating.
*****Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other
judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
****Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
******Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll
know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
*****Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe
for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not
sure if he'll make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to
report)
*shakin head* we are sorry to have lost poor Frank
'Course, they'd probably holler 'Chemical warfare'...
