Never let it be said that Australian ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by
QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. P stands
for the Problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the
Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced
left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S: Autoland not installed
on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. S: Cannot
reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable
level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're
there for!
P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen. S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly) S: Engine
found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly
right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums. S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
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