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So we had a little Global Warming event at the biker bar up the street from the office.

No big deal I just needed to unwind so I hung out with the Crazy White Devil Woman and her roommate for a few drinks.

Now you all know that one of these outings NEVER goes without an event. And this was no exception.

Things were looking pretty bleak for a blog entry until we spotted the drunk camel toe. A more accurate description would be a HOOF.

A couple was across the deck giving a solo guy a lot of grief and caught our attention.

Seems that solo dude used to fly in the service with dude with the camel toe. The camel toe was an aging US Air waitress [flight attendant] and he was one of the pilots of the calibur Ive started to expect from USAir.

From where I was sitting it looked like they were sizing up the solo dude to be the other bun for a camel toe sandwitch.

He wasnt having it - and I dont blame him.

At some point solo dude was aware we were being entertained and was able to coerce the girls into coming over to bail him out.

And so it begins...Camel toe I think thought that this could turn out to be a big ole sweaty party back at the Best Western so she opened the girls with welcome arms.

And Im pretty sure that a little fun was brewing in her mind when she asked the girls if they were together since none of us were married. You know lezzie licker type of together.

But then came the question....

"Where do you guys work?"

This time it wasnt me that spoke up but the roommate who explained how we sold porn.

Even though the camel toe said that was cool and that she wasnt judgemental I saw the electric shock in her body language.

I dont think it was a case of being offended so much that now the girls became more interesting than she was with her drunken New Jersey accent.

So as she slopped the beer she was drinking back into the pitcher that she paid with using her own hard earned money the judgemental streak started revealing itself.

First she explains...shes not into porn. She doesnt like porn... and then - being that she was so fucking drunk that she didnt want to be in porn.

They explained to her that we just work in the office but at some point I was identified as a "producer".

I knew the train wreck was on its way when she looked at the CWDW and told her that she was such a pretty girl that she just needed to "clean up her act".

Oh really? was the response...

At that point I commented "So much for being nonjudgemental." Now it was my turn to be insulted because I was a producer.

Anyone thats watched the Sopranos would have been proud as the camel toe lived up to the stereotype as all of her insults consisted of FUCK YOU!

And in that erection killing New Jersey accent on top of it.

Of course I didnt miss a beat by telling her to go get fucked herself and that I didnt give a shit what a 20K a year airline waitress thought about me. Here's $2 get me a bottle of water.

At this point pilot dude realizes that the smack is coming down and wants be play Rodney King with everyone getting along. I told him to leash his bitch and I didnt care that she was drunk.

Camel Toe cant get a word in edgewise so she comes over to poke me in the chest to punctuate her fuck yous.

Its at this point in the event that Barbie turns into the 6' + Crazy White Devil Woman and her words tell the Camel Toe shes going to call the police but her body language was shouting Im gonna kick your ass.

Of course they left. But Im laughing because now I have a bodyguard here in Charlotte.

Maybe she does need to go to these shows with me. ]]> gonzo http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=17 http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=16 Thu, 19 Jun 2008 18:31:47 GMT
Lunch time at this job has proven to be the most interesting of any Ive ever had.

I dont go out very often ...matter of fact I worked from home for 3.5 years and didnt go out a dozen times during that span.

But an office environment has a different dynamic that my old home office.

Yesterday I went to lunch with April Lemiuex [not Young April King] and Big Bill [husband of adult star Victoria Givens]. They persuaded me to try out a new buffet at the Mens Club here with over 70 items on the bar. The Mens Club you might have guessed is a "gentlemen's club" which reminded me of the old Gold Club back in Atlanta.

What other job can you go to lunch and look at nekkid women for LEGIT business research. Im certain this will be a weekly outing.

Some of you must be thinking so what?

Today I was able to top that outing by going to the Holy Church of the Crystal for lunch. Its regular name is The Home Economist which when I thought was a furniture store but instead is one of those "healthy, natural, alternative markets".

And like yesterday if theres a chance to try out some new food then Im not scared.
The food isnt so much the story as is the entertainment.

The Crazy White Devil Woman as always delivers the entrtainment. I can see why it takes up her entire lunch hour when she goes to visit a store full of tree huggers and crystal crunchers.

She likes it because everyone is so nice to her. They are nice to her because they are getting a premium price for "natuiral and healthy foods' like $4 for a smoothie drink.

I cant remember why she had me roaming thru the store with one of the twinks but in the end she was convinced to get a foot massage.

The massage lady reminded me of going to one of those chiropractors that want you to get adjusted to cure everything from a cold to cancer. They say all you have to do is make frequent visits to keep you [and them] healthy.

I wont post the picture I took of her in the reclining lawn chair getting a foot massage in the grocery store though.

Call me skeptical but if the foot massage was a "cure all" then why does this woman have to bring her lawnchair to a grocery story to pitch business?

I do believe that if it makes you feel good then you should do it. But if your really sick - GO TO A FUCKING DOCTOR. Cracking my back isnt going to help a case of food poisoning or double pnemonia.

In the end though the food was pretty tasty and the floor show was very entertaining! ]]> gonzo http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=16 http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=15 Tue, 17 Jun 2008 14:27:52 GMT A little more on how users discover and access your site and how best for you to capitalize on it...

Although 57 percent of online users navigate their favorite sites from the home page, leading sites report two-thirds of the traffic they experience arrives deep within the site from search engines. This is according to research findings from http://www.jupiterresearch.com.
Although conventional wisdom has directed content programmers to focus attention on using home pages to influence how audiences navigate through websites, the success of keyword search is dictating resources be reallocated away from home page programming to landing page and network programming.
Outlined in a Jupiter report, Site and Network Navigation: Trends Force New Paradigm http://www.jupiterresearch.com/bin/i...n/63/id=99951/; JupiterResearch advises content and media companies to adopt techniques from news sites, which are ahead of most other sites in adapting to these trends. Once on a page, many old-school tricks still work (e.g., visual cueing, promoting popular and related content), and each can increase content click-through by a percentage point or two.
"Such trends as social media, website deconstruction, and broadband crossover are dictating a new site navigation and programming paradigm that is promotional and page-centric," said David Card, Vice President and Research Director at JupiterResearch. "Site programmers must blend promotion with navigation. In fact, promotion becomes navigation, especially if it incorporates users' input and participation via tactics such as 'most popular' lists."
According to the report, the "perfect" content page design should dedicate more screen real estate (40 percent to 50 percent) to the combination of navigation and promotion than to the content or story itself (20 percent to 30 percent), along with user-generated content elements (10 percent to 15 percent) and advertising (15 percent to 20 percent).
This represents a subtle change from what JupiterResearch recommended in 2004 -- that the ideal home page be dominated by editorial content, with promotion and advertising filling less than one-third of page real estate, and navigation and search constituting 10 percent to 15 percent of page space. Although it is homepage-centric, that model could be applied across a site or network.
"The Web is the vanguard of media fragmentation," said David Schatsky, President of JupiterResearch. "Content programmers have to embrace this phenomenon if they hope to retain some influence over whether, where and how consumers consume and interact with their content."
David Schatsky has overall responsibility for the vision, quality and day-to-day operation of the research products and services at JupiterResearch, LLC. He also conducts research that focuses on the systems and processes that underlie electronic commerce and the impact of new technologies on the media business. ]]> WebBilling.com http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=15 http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=14 Thu, 05 Jun 2008 03:40:06 GMT I think part of the reason the boys had me do this relocation was the fact that they knew I had become a bit of a social retard.

I thought I was well on the way to recovery but a recent sickness gave way to a reminder. The combination of being a retard and truely not giving a shit what anyone thinks about me doesnt help out a lot.

It started after a night with the CWDW at the local screening of Iron Man. Late night dinner wasnt in the cards so I mikeywaved a couple of Ball Park Franks - you remember those. They plump when you cook em.

2am rolls around and my body began to expel a combination of oral ash and anal peat moss.

Apparently I puke when I eat em.

So Saturday morning rolls around and Im back on solid food after a day of gastronimical hell.

And with a mall within striking distance this is no better bland meal to have than Chik Fil Et. So I pulled a clean teeshirt and rolled out to begin my trouble.

I noticed that Truet Kathy's lackies werent as cheerful as the ones in Atlanta - I attributed it to being at the snooty Mall that has boutiques like Nordstroms and an Apple store.

So I sat down for a recovery meal to crowd of scowling faces. Now I know I showered repeatedly in the last 24 hours ...must be the teeshirt and blue jeans.

I thought nothing more until a fellow asked me if I was from around there. I let him know that I had recently relocated right down the street to which he sneered it figures.

I looked at him with one of those WTF looks to which he replied. Your teeshirt. Its not appropriate for that mall.

Yes I had grabbed one of my colorful teeshirts - This one exclaimed... "Its Not Going to Lick Itself". As Mr Sneer try to testify to me...Momma Sneer pipped up from deep throating her Subway to contribute...
"Billy Graham Lives Here!"

To which I replied. "God Bless Billy...and Im sure he will tell you this is the Gods truth too!"

"Pray for me on Sunday - Christian Soilders!" ]]> gonzo http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=14 http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=13 Wed, 07 May 2008 13:09:13 GMT You never know when or where you will run into someone that is popular with the media. Anyone can be a star it seems with the popularity of the web combined with YouTube and personal blogs.

Last night I brushed against of of them TV star types at Maggianos in Charlotte,NC.

You can tell when someone is either a Z list star or they are just looking for be seen a lot of times by the way they are dressed.

I was having dinner at the bar because its way easier to get a seat there and the lady tending bar there gives a lot better service than the dining room.

So here I sit when this big balded headed guy asks me "What does it takes to get a drink in here?". I look up and hes wearing this big denum shirt with a pink HBO cathouse logo on the back and a sparkly hat that I recognize from Air Force Amy's web site.

I told Dennis..."I got this." And the bartender did indeed whip up his drink order along with his "escort".

I dont know how long he had been standing there but it must have been longer than his ego and dignity could handle. Once someone recognized who he was ... Dennis Hof shined that Vegas smile!

He thanked me and asked me how I knew who he was. What he didnt know is that I had met him and spole to him briefly when he and one of his PR whores were trying to get CJ and I to interview him on Oprano Radio. Even back then he couldnt understand why webmasters wouldnt be interested in what he had to say.

He'd give us all a discount!

Instead of getting into all of that I just told him , "I sell pussy too!". Apparently Dennis' understanding of the web still isnt up to date as he wondered where the whorehouses were in Charlotte,NC.

I explained to the big man that I worked for one of the worlds largest porm companies that was a mere 5 minutes from where we stood.

Of course when the topic changed when I asked what he was doing in town.

It seems that he and Ron Jeremy were in town for some kind of Best of Cathouse promotion at The Mens Club which is 5 minutes the other way from the office.

About that time one of the managers came over to see if he could get me anything. I told him yes that he could get Dennis Hof a table!

The manager didnt know who he was except for "that guy" but Dennis loudly proclaimed who he was much to the delight of some og the gents at the bar as well as disgust of others.

I took this chance to pay up my tab and get out of there. I noticed when I walked back by the restuarant on the outside that Dennis had requested a table on the patio - far away from some of the hostile locals.

I guess they werent buying. ]]> gonzo http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=13 http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=12 Sat, 26 Apr 2008 14:27:29 GMT Friday night I got talked into going to a Cash Bash.
Thats where 5 cover bands play in one night covers of the Man in Black ,Johnny Cash. And true to form since Ive been up here this was destined to be another fucked up night.

My local tour guide recommended this place called the Cajun Queen for its nonsnooty atmosphere but instead we found ourselves in the hangout for the supposed local Blue Bloods.

After an hour wait [they arent very good at this] we were crammed into the far corner and ordered some more booze and dinner. Then the fun starts.

See the Crazy White Devil Woman has been working on Sundays for a little extra cash at the local hippie dippy freaky deaky bar. To make a long story short she told these folks where she worked at and apparently in this town the starving artists also have an uppity attitude. So they were less than polite or cordial when she told them she worked for a porn company.

I guess they call them starving artists for a reason because seated directly next to us was starving artist "Tripp" and his cleaned up prepster coed along with Momma and Step Daddy Jim and some other drunken elderly woman.

The jackass is promptly introduced to me as the CWDW's coworker which of course subliminally lets this fucker know what I do for work as well.

I guess he had told everyone at the dinner table about the kind of work that we do which made for a tense meal for them and a SMS textfest for us.

If your going to be judgemental about where people work then you should at least make enough money to take out your own date when you turn 30.

We left with a complimentary bourbon pecan pie desert that later served as an air freshener in the car but more on that later.

We got to this place which was originally a place that sold farm gear but apparently the guy was more adept at selling cheap beer. So the place is now a bar of sorts but the cheap beer remains.

Now I know good and damn well not to be drinking PBR no matter how cheap it is but when they run out of everything else - you get to enjoy the bounty of PBR chilling in the Barbie purse of the CWDW.

PBR brings you many friends as they all figured if your drinking the swill then you are one of them. And the fellows of Charlotte have proven that even a bubba can have no shame as they will troll for ass just like the brothers of Atlanta regardless of whos standing there. Oh and lets not forget the roller derby lezzie lickers . . .

At some point - she slips out to drink some peach moonshine (Now you know how the pecan pie got spilled) and here Im left with to hear some PBR wisdom. The bubbas wanted to debate the pros and cons of women with tattoos.

One bubba thought that women with ink are cheap and easy. He seemed to think that a woman with proper upbringing would not stoop to be adorned with these "tribal" markings.

Bubba 2 just thought it looked pretty damn hot and he pointed out that the women in there must agree as he was spotting and commenting on several tattoos.

Of course they all wanted to know my thoughts on the matter. After all I was drinking PBR!

About this time the moonshine drinking with the unknown bubba has been concluded as they await.

My response to Bubba 1 who has previously been asstrolling for a phone number was pretty classic I must admit.

My attitude is that if it makes a woman happy then what harm could it possibly be....of course then I ask moonshine momma when she got that tattoo just below her neck.

All in all I believe its the taboo that sells porn in many cases. The shock value of seeing things youve never seen before or the open availibility that the internet allows the consumer.

Bottom line is no matter how judgemental these guys are in public . . they still buy.

So I will hang my head and cry . . . as laugh I under my breath and cash the checks. You bubbas be judgemental all you want as long as you keep on buying.

I dont care if your using your Momma or drunken stepfathers credit card either. ]]> gonzo http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=12 http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=11 Sat, 26 Apr 2008 14:25:16 GMT I have to admit. Im enjoying this change of venue up here in Charlotte.
Back in Atlanta we have our share of wierdos but the NC variety are a little less harmless and much more plentiful.

It seems you cant go out anywhere in this town without running into one -
And last night was no exception.

I met the crazy white devil woman over in a new part of town for some sushi. I should have realized this was a wierd part of town when the BiLo was knocked over earlier for a value pack of D cell Energizer batteries.

Somewhere a young ethnic thug's momma is a very happy camper.

So I hooked up with the CWDW and her global pal Flavia [who is no relation to the coffee maker in the break room] at RuSan's of Charlotte. There was much sushi consumed and a couple bottles of white sweet cold sake.

If youve never been to RuSans you wont understand the level of noise or the reason why had to go outside. The mexican sushi staff become quite noisy when a good looking woman comes in. I think its a show of appreciation like those construction crews you see on TV loudly oogling the women as they walk by.

Yes they whistle and raise all sorts of hell in what has to be described as Mexican japanese. So when they see a fat boy come in with 2 women that noise increases.

Add to that that the Crazy White Devil Woman is working on perfecting her brigitte nielsen hairdo it was so damn noisy that we were forced outside to finish up that sake.

As we were polishing off the final bottle Kid Rock and his entourage stumbled by paying their respects as they went to drink some Italian wine on top of the sake. I figured it was one of those fucked up things that they did around here.

As the bottle was being emptied we recapped last weeks adventure with the tweeking teacher to Flavia [who is no relation to the coffemaker in the breakroom]. And how nice it was to have avoided a new adventure this evening. I of course pointed out that the night wasnt over yet.

Enter Nate Dog.

Kid Rock and his slam date come slithering back by with the 3rd wheel who takes the chance to stop and regale us with his grand tales. The only thing the guy was missing was Abomb's tired worn out single Tommy Bahama luckily I had just paid the tab.

Nathan was quick to show off his epicurean knowledge with rapid questions on the type of sake we where having as he gave us a detailed list of the types he had consumed prior to his exit.

Once he started he couldnt stop as we learned that this guy was a showman, a world traveller and a might accomplished divorce lawyer. You see we didnt know who we were messing with... he was NateDog.

This time it wasnt a question of what kind of work we did he was more concerned that he might meet us in a courtroom and smite us as his enemies.

You see Nate Dog here was a certified samurai and with a word he could walk in and "clear out" RuSans. Thank God the CWDW didnt ask for a demonstration.

She did however tell him that he was creepy. Which sounded the "quittin time whistle and brought an end to all the boasting.

Dos tip to myself - No industry shows for women who are as blunt and outspoken as I am. They will get your ass killed!

Im not so sure which was worse out of the 2 outings. The adventure after I tell people what we do or enduring the epic boasting of those that have much more interesting jobs.

My guess is I havent seen shit yet.

We are all supposed to go see this Johnny Cash fest with all cover bands at some place that sells farm equipment. Im certain with PBR on tap that I need to bring a camera for this one. ]]> gonzo http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=11 http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=10 Sat, 26 Apr 2008 14:23:53 GMT I cant ever catch a break.

This weekend I decided to go get some exercise so I conned one of the local tour guides to go with me to Blowing Rock,NC to do a breakin/ tune up hike.
Of course when I get up to go it looks like rain but Im stubborn and I give her the excuse that its a nice place and if all else fails we can find something else to do.

The weather does clean up and we set off on this short trail to the foot of some falls. Now if youve been hiking you know foot of falls means its all downhill which also means its UPHILL the entire way back.

Its been 4 months since my last hike to the top of Blood Mountian before Internext and this 3 mile hike damn near killed me. So the break in the weather really was no favor to me at all. Its a real pisser when your trying to impress a woman and she stands at the top of a hill laughing at you because you are out of breath. Its ok though. Payback is a mother and I think my recovery is rapid enough that Ill be fine after a few more of these.

Then we will see whos laughing.

After one of these hikes you know a fat boy is looking forward to a solid meal. So I asked the car what was around close by in Blowing Rock. The Crazy White Devil Woman chose Italian and the closest thing by was an American/Italian place called Ichabods.

American/Italian should have been the first warning sign and when an Italian place has no garlic bread and the special is a Prime Rib dinner - we should have left.

It gets worse as we are treated to a 4 car pile up on a bridge over the Catawba river basin and enjoy a nice 30 minute pause in the return trip. They broke into the CWDW's nap and she was sleeping off the Chicken Marsala dinner with no marsala sauce.

About 30 minutes out of Charlotte I have to take a pause for the cause so I slide into a Raceway gas station. Now you know that you are in the WRONG part of town when you see the store is on lockdown and you have to buy everything from an armoured window.

I left some Ichabod's laced piss behind the building.

But heres the kicker. Before we could get the car rolling without incident here comes this roving crackhead looking for someone to loan her a QUARTER. She was wearing an ensemble fit for the carbage can and had this low maintenace hairdo - it was all jerked back into a nappy headed ball centered in tbe back of her skull.

Just beat out the dirt and your ready for another day.

CWDW says she was short a quarter on $5 to get a hit of crack. Ive never priced any so I dont know.

We watched this woman frantically harass everything moving at this gas station until she got a quarter. Once she got that quarter she amde a beeline counting each nickel - without missing a step -straight to a crackwhore flophouse right by the highway.

She asked us before hand if we could loan her a quarter but there was none to be found.

No Quarter. ]]> gonzo http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=10 http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=9 Sat, 26 Apr 2008 14:22:41 GMT Another riveting episode of "Fun in Charlotte.

This week I was coerced into a Sat night flight to see a dude called the Voodoo Organist at this place called the MileStone.

Since the Crazy White Devil Woman had a previous commitment I was left in the capabile tour hands of Kelly Kelly and AJ.

AJ works with me and Bishop in the advertising department and some of you might remember him being on the front page of Consumption Junction doing some preformance art with his nuts on fire!

This place is 12 miles or less from the Oprano Condo here in Charlotte so I headed out to the other side of town.

When in Atlanta I know what it means when the road Im travelling on crosses the railroad tracks but I didnt pay it anymind in Charlotte - I should have!

This club was 12 miles away from where I stay but soon I found out it might as well be worlds away.

My first hint was getting to the club and seeing that the parking -albiet secured - was full. I did notice that the next expensive car in the lot was worth about 10K less than mine and yall know I dont drive an expensive car!

The next clue I got was being run out of what should have been overflow parking but was instead was a VFW lodge. They must have thought my car was a little too "fresh" to have passed for a member so I had to leave.

My 2nd lap I observed a group of "corner kids" eyeballing my wheels and SRT badge and god knows what else. So as I passed "The Last Pitcher Show" one of Charlotte's finest pulls me over.

The police officer was wondering what I was doing in that area of town and ended up asking me to take a breath test. He has been watching me "case" this expensive neighborhood I guess.

Im pretty sure I was just profiled and told him so. We suspect had the test came back with anything other than a zero he was going to have a peak into my car fto make sure I wasnt hiding any drunks or anything dangerous under a probable cause excuse.

Long story short is that he advised me to roll back to Atlanta when the breath test came back zero.

Im pretty sure he turned pale when I told him where I was staying and I would be in touch.

He was so nice though I guess he thought my GPS might have been faulty from the storm of dead cankerworms falling from the trees as he followed me as far as the Dilworth area of town.

I considered stopping and asking him if I should stop by the store to get some drinks since he was going to follow me home. I thought better of it as I didnt feel like having my picture up on the Mecklenburg County website for getting in trouble.

So far each week has been entertaining.

How was your weekend? ]]> gonzo http://www.oprano.com/msgboard/blog.php?b=9