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06-05-2006, 02:05 PM
The Hell Report
Co. 1990 LUCIFERnet
A Bytebrothers Production
Big events happening in Hell this week as Winston Churchill has been found and recovered from his captors. Churchill was kidnapped by a group of former passengers on the luxury ocean liner the Lusitania. Winney appeared on Tuesdays "Good Morning Hell" television show with host Jim Jones, and explained he was held captive for two weeks, while sixteen Jewish grandmothers, dressed in garter belts and black hose, chewed on his genitals for seventeen hours a day. He appeared none the worse for wear.
Lucifer has announced from the Dark Palace that there is an imposter in Hell masquerading as an emissary of Satan himself, posting on this conference, and purporting to be a mission from the Dark Lord. Satan only has five emissaries active in this network, Adolph Hitler, Lee Harvey Oswald and John Brown of the Third Realm, Eddie Gein of the First Realm and Elvis Presley of the Second Realm. All others are imposters to the Black Throne. Lucifer has announced that all subjects will and shall flame the individual unmercilessly. Adolph Hitler has been advised of the problem and has dispatched Lee Harvey Oswald to the First Realm to deal with the situation.
Eddie Gein has won the thirty-fifth annual Handball Championships held this year at Brimstone Pass Resorts. Runner up in the competition was John Wilkes Booth, who complained to the judges that Eddie's ball was covered with human skin and should be disqualified. The judges ruled in Eddies favor when he proved that the skin came from a Puerto Rican.
Al Capone was also a guest this week on "Good Morning Hell" where he revealed for the first time that the secret ingredient in his "Little Italy Olive Oil" that he has marketed in Hell for fifty years has been "spics". He also revealed that he purchased a marketing agreement in the sixties with Eddie Gein, wherein the recipe changed slightly. Over four million bottles of the oil are sold in Hell each year.
The long drawn out court battle between Lyndon Johnson and Lee Harvey Oswald entered it's seventh year this week with both sides still locked in pre-trial arguments over an out of court settlement. Apparently Mr. Oswald never received full payment for services rendered in Dallas Texas in the early sixties, and has sued LBJ for four million dollars. It is not expected that the case will reach trial during the remainder of this century. Johnson is still claiming innocence, and in fact that Buddy Ebsen the well known t.v. personality was the assasin of John F. Kennedy.
Reports from Joe Stalin indicate the cocaine crop this year will be a record crop. The slave labor brought in from the Third Realm has made the harvest go rapidly, and there is far less loss from plant burn as in any previous year. Adolph Hitler has rerouted trains from the crematoria in the Third Realm into the Second in order to collect and store this years crop.
That's all from Hell.
the HELL Report
co. 1990 LUCIFERnet
Co. 1990 LUCIFERnet
A Bytebrothers Production
Big events happening in Hell this week as Winston Churchill has been found and recovered from his captors. Churchill was kidnapped by a group of former passengers on the luxury ocean liner the Lusitania. Winney appeared on Tuesdays "Good Morning Hell" television show with host Jim Jones, and explained he was held captive for two weeks, while sixteen Jewish grandmothers, dressed in garter belts and black hose, chewed on his genitals for seventeen hours a day. He appeared none the worse for wear.
Lucifer has announced from the Dark Palace that there is an imposter in Hell masquerading as an emissary of Satan himself, posting on this conference, and purporting to be a mission from the Dark Lord. Satan only has five emissaries active in this network, Adolph Hitler, Lee Harvey Oswald and John Brown of the Third Realm, Eddie Gein of the First Realm and Elvis Presley of the Second Realm. All others are imposters to the Black Throne. Lucifer has announced that all subjects will and shall flame the individual unmercilessly. Adolph Hitler has been advised of the problem and has dispatched Lee Harvey Oswald to the First Realm to deal with the situation.
Eddie Gein has won the thirty-fifth annual Handball Championships held this year at Brimstone Pass Resorts. Runner up in the competition was John Wilkes Booth, who complained to the judges that Eddie's ball was covered with human skin and should be disqualified. The judges ruled in Eddies favor when he proved that the skin came from a Puerto Rican.
Al Capone was also a guest this week on "Good Morning Hell" where he revealed for the first time that the secret ingredient in his "Little Italy Olive Oil" that he has marketed in Hell for fifty years has been "spics". He also revealed that he purchased a marketing agreement in the sixties with Eddie Gein, wherein the recipe changed slightly. Over four million bottles of the oil are sold in Hell each year.
The long drawn out court battle between Lyndon Johnson and Lee Harvey Oswald entered it's seventh year this week with both sides still locked in pre-trial arguments over an out of court settlement. Apparently Mr. Oswald never received full payment for services rendered in Dallas Texas in the early sixties, and has sued LBJ for four million dollars. It is not expected that the case will reach trial during the remainder of this century. Johnson is still claiming innocence, and in fact that Buddy Ebsen the well known t.v. personality was the assasin of John F. Kennedy.
Reports from Joe Stalin indicate the cocaine crop this year will be a record crop. The slave labor brought in from the Third Realm has made the harvest go rapidly, and there is far less loss from plant burn as in any previous year. Adolph Hitler has rerouted trains from the crematoria in the Third Realm into the Second in order to collect and store this years crop.
That's all from Hell.
the HELL Report
co. 1990 LUCIFERnet