MorganGrayson
11-28-2005, 12:36 PM
...because you discover gems like this one on a crappy Monday.
Total props to T-shirt Hell (http://www.tshirthell.com/), from whose e-mail I cheerfully swiped it. (It's fair, I shopped there for my youngest daughter's boyfriend, who will be able to offend anyone within reading distance after Christmas. Out of the two shirts I bought for him, she - and I'm SO blaming her for this - talked me into the "WWJD - for a Klondike bar?" shirt. Oy.)
[The True Story of Thanksgiving)There has been plenty written about the first Thanksgiving. Seriously, reada book once in a while and you'll see. It was great because there had beena good harvest. The white man taught the Indians how to turn corn intowhiskey, and they taught the white man how to smoke dope and turn birch treebark into primitive LSD. But it was always meant to be a one time thing.But the Indians had other ideas. They started to show up every year. Whileinitially finding the Indians amusing with their clown make-up, flamboyantheadbands, and leather diapers, the white man now realized they were just abunch of dirty hippies, sitting around looking for a handout.Even worse, while the white man just wanted to sit around and watch footballon Thanksgiving; the Indians all wanted to play lacrosse. The Pilgrims knewlacrosse was a godless, heathen activity and they thought it looked reallygay.True, the white men liked nailing the Indian princesses. They were reallydirty, and you could generally have your choice for just a few beads or someshiny buttons. And even when you convert that to today's prices; banging achick for 50 buttons is still a pretty good deal.But the Pilgrims had plenty of farm animals to bugger and they liked todrill holes in pumpkins when they needed immediate sexual gratification.When their wives found the pumpkins with the holes drilled in them they toldthem they were 'jack-o-lanterns' and created a whole phony 'Halloween'tradition to explain them away. So, the Pilgrims decided to try and make aclean break with the natives.They hatched a plan. They would cook up all of the worst shit and feed itto the Indians. Cook up turkey, which they knew would be dry. Then stuffit with old, stale bread. Make a sauce out of cranberries which are thenastiest, sourest fruit. And they would take all of the jack-o-lanterns(yes, those jack-o-lanterns) that had been lying around in the sun for amonth and make them into pies.Needless to say it didn't go well. Everyone was pissed and the Indianssulked around afterwards. Even though they had enjoyed the pumpkin pie,they didn't even stay to try and find the afikomen."If it's so much trouble to cook dinner for us," the Indians said "Nextyear, why not just make reservations some place?"Well, the white men loved the idea of making reservations for the Indians.It took a couple hundred years for the white man to get around to making allof them, but soon they stretched across the country and they seemed to worklike a charm. Even the Indians admit dealing blackjack beats dancing to tryand make rain. Plus, they're all pretty numb from the boozing.I can't believe Indian's still take part in Thanksgiving Day parades, and infull traditional outfits no less. It always seems to me like Jews takingpart in a celebration of Hitler's birthday and dressing up in concentrationcamp outfits.Now, Americans love Thanksgiving, because now, we don't have to inviteIndians over our houses. Plus, it's another reason to stuff our rich, fat,American faces. It's not just another excuse to over eat, it's almostmandatory. If you don't eat until you're bursting on Thanksgiving, youmight as well wipe your ass with the American flag and then strangle yourmother with it while you sodomize her. And I know a lot of you arethinking, "wipe your ass with the American flag and sodomize your mother?Isn't that how they celebrate Ramadan?" All I can say to that is I'm notsure. In my house all we celebrate is something I like to call, 'Hot SexualKwanzaa'.
Total props to T-shirt Hell (http://www.tshirthell.com/), from whose e-mail I cheerfully swiped it. (It's fair, I shopped there for my youngest daughter's boyfriend, who will be able to offend anyone within reading distance after Christmas. Out of the two shirts I bought for him, she - and I'm SO blaming her for this - talked me into the "WWJD - for a Klondike bar?" shirt. Oy.)
[The True Story of Thanksgiving)There has been plenty written about the first Thanksgiving. Seriously, reada book once in a while and you'll see. It was great because there had beena good harvest. The white man taught the Indians how to turn corn intowhiskey, and they taught the white man how to smoke dope and turn birch treebark into primitive LSD. But it was always meant to be a one time thing.But the Indians had other ideas. They started to show up every year. Whileinitially finding the Indians amusing with their clown make-up, flamboyantheadbands, and leather diapers, the white man now realized they were just abunch of dirty hippies, sitting around looking for a handout.Even worse, while the white man just wanted to sit around and watch footballon Thanksgiving; the Indians all wanted to play lacrosse. The Pilgrims knewlacrosse was a godless, heathen activity and they thought it looked reallygay.True, the white men liked nailing the Indian princesses. They were reallydirty, and you could generally have your choice for just a few beads or someshiny buttons. And even when you convert that to today's prices; banging achick for 50 buttons is still a pretty good deal.But the Pilgrims had plenty of farm animals to bugger and they liked todrill holes in pumpkins when they needed immediate sexual gratification.When their wives found the pumpkins with the holes drilled in them they toldthem they were 'jack-o-lanterns' and created a whole phony 'Halloween'tradition to explain them away. So, the Pilgrims decided to try and make aclean break with the natives.They hatched a plan. They would cook up all of the worst shit and feed itto the Indians. Cook up turkey, which they knew would be dry. Then stuffit with old, stale bread. Make a sauce out of cranberries which are thenastiest, sourest fruit. And they would take all of the jack-o-lanterns(yes, those jack-o-lanterns) that had been lying around in the sun for amonth and make them into pies.Needless to say it didn't go well. Everyone was pissed and the Indianssulked around afterwards. Even though they had enjoyed the pumpkin pie,they didn't even stay to try and find the afikomen."If it's so much trouble to cook dinner for us," the Indians said "Nextyear, why not just make reservations some place?"Well, the white men loved the idea of making reservations for the Indians.It took a couple hundred years for the white man to get around to making allof them, but soon they stretched across the country and they seemed to worklike a charm. Even the Indians admit dealing blackjack beats dancing to tryand make rain. Plus, they're all pretty numb from the boozing.I can't believe Indian's still take part in Thanksgiving Day parades, and infull traditional outfits no less. It always seems to me like Jews takingpart in a celebration of Hitler's birthday and dressing up in concentrationcamp outfits.Now, Americans love Thanksgiving, because now, we don't have to inviteIndians over our houses. Plus, it's another reason to stuff our rich, fat,American faces. It's not just another excuse to over eat, it's almostmandatory. If you don't eat until you're bursting on Thanksgiving, youmight as well wipe your ass with the American flag and then strangle yourmother with it while you sodomize her. And I know a lot of you arethinking, "wipe your ass with the American flag and sodomize your mother?Isn't that how they celebrate Ramadan?" All I can say to that is I'm notsure. In my house all we celebrate is something I like to call, 'Hot SexualKwanzaa'.