Red
11-07-2005, 06:52 PM
For the past 23 years, San Jose State University's English Department
has sponsored a whimsical literary competition that challenges writers
to compose the worst possible opening sentence for a novel. The
inspiration for the contest was Edward George Bulwer-Lytton's 1830
novel "Paul Clifford" which began with the oft-plagiarized words, "It
was a dark and stormy night..."
Here are some of the winners.
Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
2005 Results
Winner:
As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg
carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet
pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching
for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging
to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop
manual.
Dan McKay
Fargo, ND
Runner-Up:
When Detective Riggs was called to investigate the theft of a trainload of
Native American fish broth concentrate bound for market, he solved the case almost immediately, being that the trail of clues led straight to the
trainmaster, who had both the locomotive and the Hopi tuna tea.
Mitsy Rae
Danbury, NE
Grand Panjandrum's Special Award:
India, which hangs like a wet washcloth from the towel rack of Asia,
presented itself to Tex as he landed in Delhi (or was it Bombay?), as if it
mattered because Tex finally had an idea to make his mark and fortune and
that idea was a chain of steak houses to serve the millions and he wondered, as he deplaned down the steep, shiny, steel steps, why no one had thought of it before.
Ken Aclin
Shreveport, LA
Winner: Adventure Category:
Captain Burton stood at the bow of his massive sailing ship, his weathered
face resembling improperly cured leather that wouldn't even be used to make a coat or something.
Bryan Semrow
Oshkosh, WI
Runner-Up:
It was high noon in the jungles of South India when I began to recognize
that if we didn't find water for our emus soon, it wouldn't be long before
we would be traveling by foot; and with the guerilla warriors fast on our
heals, I was starting to regret my decision to use poultry for transportation.
Eric Winter
Minneapolis, MN
Dishonorable Mention:
When the great Italian archeologist, Giovanni Battista de Rossi, broke
through the centuries of choking rubble and rock in the abandoned catacombs under Rome and the dust cleared, he held his blazing torch high, pickup a flat, dirt-encrusted object with a row of teeth, examined it with his
educated eye, and exclaimed, "By the saints, I do believe I've discovered
another ancient kitty comb."
Mitsy Rae
Danbury, NE
Winner: Children's Literature:
The woods were all a-twitter with rumors that the Seven Dwarves were
planning a live reunion after their attempted solo careers had dismally
sputtered into Z-list oblivion and it was all just a matter of meeting a
ten-page list of outlandish demands (including 700-threadcount Egyptian
cotton bedsheets, lots of white lilies and a separate trailer for the magic
talking mirror) to get the Princess Formerly Known As Snow White on board.
Shelby Leung
Dulwich Hill
NSW, Australia
Runner-Up:
When Mr Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be
celebrating his eleventy-first birthday, his children packed his bags and
drove him to Golden Pastures retirement complex just off Interstate 95.
Stephen Farnsworth
Manchester, U.K.
Dishonorable Mentions:
Because of her mysterious ways I was fascinated with Dorothy and I wondered if she would ever consider having a relationship with a lion, but I have to admit that most of my attention was directed at her little dog Toto because, after all, he was a source of meat protein and I had had enough of those damn flying monkeys.
Randy Blanton
Murfreesboro, TN
The children of Hamelin were led away by a pied piper (it's common
knowledge) to parts unknown; whither they went is now herein revealed,
however the precise location is cloaked in accordance with International
Fantasy Regulation IFR.02.3a governing site specifics as, for example, in
any Harry Potter story the locations are indeed identified, but just you try
and find them.
P.S.Hamilton
Pearland, TX
Winner: Dark and Stormy Night:
It was a dark and stormy night, although technically it wasn't black or
anything -- more of a gravy color like the spine of the 1969 Scribner's Sons
edition of "A Farewell to Arms," and, truth be told, the storm didn't sound
any more fierce than the opening to Leon Russell's 1975 classic, "Back to
the Island."
Kevin Hogg
Cranbrook, BC
Canada
Winner: Detective:
Patricia wrote out the phrase 'It was a dark and stormy night' exactly
seventy-two times, which was the same number of times she stabbed her now quickly-rotting husband, and the same number of pages she ripped out of 'He's Just Not That Into You' by Greg Behrendt to scatter around the room --not because she was obsessive compulsive, or had any sentimental attachment to the number seventy-two, but because she'd always wanted to give those quacks at CSI a hard time.
Kari A. Stiller
College Station, TX
Winner: Fantasy Fiction:
"Why does every task in the Realm of Zithanor have to be a quest?" Baldak of Erthorn, handyman to the Great Wizard Zarthon, asked rhetorically as he
began his journey to find the Holy Hammer of Taloria and the Sacred Nail of
Ikthillia so Baldak could hang one of Zarthon's mediocre watercolors, which
was an art critique Baldak kept to himself unlike his predecessor, whom
Zarthon turned into the Picture Frame of Torathank.
SSG Kevin Craver
Fort Polk, LA
Runner-Up:
The dragon cast his wet, rheumy eyes, heavy-lidded with misery, over his
kingdom-a malodorous, rot-ridden swamp, with moss cloaking brooding, gloomy cypresses, tree trunks like decayed teeth rising from stagnant ponds, creatures with mildewed fur and scales whom the meanest roadside zoo would have rejected--and hoped the antidepressants would kick in soon.
Constance Barrett
Ruby, NY
Winner: Historical Fiction:
Sphincter, the gladiator, girded his loins in preparation for today's games,
glad to be part of the season opener since he hadn't been sure until
yesterday that his contract would be renewed, given his slump during the
Germans-versus-lions series but he knew that swatting Germans into the
lion's pit was trickier than it looked and he told the officials that they
should look at his other stats, not just Huns batted in.
Robert Peltzer
Baltimore, MD
Runner-Up:
A column of five hundred Roman foot soldiers - a column held together by the plaster of courage -- advanced on a teeming sea of rebellious slaves --
slaves who had, ironically, built most of Rome's columns, although they
actually used lime and not plaster to cement the structures, and though it
is perhaps more historically precise to describe the soldiers' column as
bound by the lime of courage, that doesn't really have the same adventurous ring to it.
Mark Hawthorne
Rohnert Park, CA
Winner: Vile Puns:
Falcon was her name and she was quite the bird of prey, sashaying past her
adolescent admirers from one anchor store to another, past the kiosks where earrings longed to lie upon her lobes and sunglasses hoped to nestle on her nose, seemingly the beginning of a beautiful friendship with whomsoever caught the eye of the mall tease, Falcon.
Jay Dardenne
Baton Rouge, LA
Runner-Up:
Max thought the night-time burglary at the California surfing museum would
be a safe caper, but that was before he spotted the security cop riding a
bull mastiff, blond hair blowing in the wind, and noticed the blue-and-white
sign wired to the cyclone fence, "Guard dude on doggy."
Jim Dehn
Clovis, CA
I thought they were pretty funny. There are more on the site for those literary types who might enjoy them.
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com (http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/)
has sponsored a whimsical literary competition that challenges writers
to compose the worst possible opening sentence for a novel. The
inspiration for the contest was Edward George Bulwer-Lytton's 1830
novel "Paul Clifford" which began with the oft-plagiarized words, "It
was a dark and stormy night..."
Here are some of the winners.
Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
2005 Results
Winner:
As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg
carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet
pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching
for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging
to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop
manual.
Dan McKay
Fargo, ND
Runner-Up:
When Detective Riggs was called to investigate the theft of a trainload of
Native American fish broth concentrate bound for market, he solved the case almost immediately, being that the trail of clues led straight to the
trainmaster, who had both the locomotive and the Hopi tuna tea.
Mitsy Rae
Danbury, NE
Grand Panjandrum's Special Award:
India, which hangs like a wet washcloth from the towel rack of Asia,
presented itself to Tex as he landed in Delhi (or was it Bombay?), as if it
mattered because Tex finally had an idea to make his mark and fortune and
that idea was a chain of steak houses to serve the millions and he wondered, as he deplaned down the steep, shiny, steel steps, why no one had thought of it before.
Ken Aclin
Shreveport, LA
Winner: Adventure Category:
Captain Burton stood at the bow of his massive sailing ship, his weathered
face resembling improperly cured leather that wouldn't even be used to make a coat or something.
Bryan Semrow
Oshkosh, WI
Runner-Up:
It was high noon in the jungles of South India when I began to recognize
that if we didn't find water for our emus soon, it wouldn't be long before
we would be traveling by foot; and with the guerilla warriors fast on our
heals, I was starting to regret my decision to use poultry for transportation.
Eric Winter
Minneapolis, MN
Dishonorable Mention:
When the great Italian archeologist, Giovanni Battista de Rossi, broke
through the centuries of choking rubble and rock in the abandoned catacombs under Rome and the dust cleared, he held his blazing torch high, pickup a flat, dirt-encrusted object with a row of teeth, examined it with his
educated eye, and exclaimed, "By the saints, I do believe I've discovered
another ancient kitty comb."
Mitsy Rae
Danbury, NE
Winner: Children's Literature:
The woods were all a-twitter with rumors that the Seven Dwarves were
planning a live reunion after their attempted solo careers had dismally
sputtered into Z-list oblivion and it was all just a matter of meeting a
ten-page list of outlandish demands (including 700-threadcount Egyptian
cotton bedsheets, lots of white lilies and a separate trailer for the magic
talking mirror) to get the Princess Formerly Known As Snow White on board.
Shelby Leung
Dulwich Hill
NSW, Australia
Runner-Up:
When Mr Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be
celebrating his eleventy-first birthday, his children packed his bags and
drove him to Golden Pastures retirement complex just off Interstate 95.
Stephen Farnsworth
Manchester, U.K.
Dishonorable Mentions:
Because of her mysterious ways I was fascinated with Dorothy and I wondered if she would ever consider having a relationship with a lion, but I have to admit that most of my attention was directed at her little dog Toto because, after all, he was a source of meat protein and I had had enough of those damn flying monkeys.
Randy Blanton
Murfreesboro, TN
The children of Hamelin were led away by a pied piper (it's common
knowledge) to parts unknown; whither they went is now herein revealed,
however the precise location is cloaked in accordance with International
Fantasy Regulation IFR.02.3a governing site specifics as, for example, in
any Harry Potter story the locations are indeed identified, but just you try
and find them.
P.S.Hamilton
Pearland, TX
Winner: Dark and Stormy Night:
It was a dark and stormy night, although technically it wasn't black or
anything -- more of a gravy color like the spine of the 1969 Scribner's Sons
edition of "A Farewell to Arms," and, truth be told, the storm didn't sound
any more fierce than the opening to Leon Russell's 1975 classic, "Back to
the Island."
Kevin Hogg
Cranbrook, BC
Canada
Winner: Detective:
Patricia wrote out the phrase 'It was a dark and stormy night' exactly
seventy-two times, which was the same number of times she stabbed her now quickly-rotting husband, and the same number of pages she ripped out of 'He's Just Not That Into You' by Greg Behrendt to scatter around the room --not because she was obsessive compulsive, or had any sentimental attachment to the number seventy-two, but because she'd always wanted to give those quacks at CSI a hard time.
Kari A. Stiller
College Station, TX
Winner: Fantasy Fiction:
"Why does every task in the Realm of Zithanor have to be a quest?" Baldak of Erthorn, handyman to the Great Wizard Zarthon, asked rhetorically as he
began his journey to find the Holy Hammer of Taloria and the Sacred Nail of
Ikthillia so Baldak could hang one of Zarthon's mediocre watercolors, which
was an art critique Baldak kept to himself unlike his predecessor, whom
Zarthon turned into the Picture Frame of Torathank.
SSG Kevin Craver
Fort Polk, LA
Runner-Up:
The dragon cast his wet, rheumy eyes, heavy-lidded with misery, over his
kingdom-a malodorous, rot-ridden swamp, with moss cloaking brooding, gloomy cypresses, tree trunks like decayed teeth rising from stagnant ponds, creatures with mildewed fur and scales whom the meanest roadside zoo would have rejected--and hoped the antidepressants would kick in soon.
Constance Barrett
Ruby, NY
Winner: Historical Fiction:
Sphincter, the gladiator, girded his loins in preparation for today's games,
glad to be part of the season opener since he hadn't been sure until
yesterday that his contract would be renewed, given his slump during the
Germans-versus-lions series but he knew that swatting Germans into the
lion's pit was trickier than it looked and he told the officials that they
should look at his other stats, not just Huns batted in.
Robert Peltzer
Baltimore, MD
Runner-Up:
A column of five hundred Roman foot soldiers - a column held together by the plaster of courage -- advanced on a teeming sea of rebellious slaves --
slaves who had, ironically, built most of Rome's columns, although they
actually used lime and not plaster to cement the structures, and though it
is perhaps more historically precise to describe the soldiers' column as
bound by the lime of courage, that doesn't really have the same adventurous ring to it.
Mark Hawthorne
Rohnert Park, CA
Winner: Vile Puns:
Falcon was her name and she was quite the bird of prey, sashaying past her
adolescent admirers from one anchor store to another, past the kiosks where earrings longed to lie upon her lobes and sunglasses hoped to nestle on her nose, seemingly the beginning of a beautiful friendship with whomsoever caught the eye of the mall tease, Falcon.
Jay Dardenne
Baton Rouge, LA
Runner-Up:
Max thought the night-time burglary at the California surfing museum would
be a safe caper, but that was before he spotted the security cop riding a
bull mastiff, blond hair blowing in the wind, and noticed the blue-and-white
sign wired to the cyclone fence, "Guard dude on doggy."
Jim Dehn
Clovis, CA
I thought they were pretty funny. There are more on the site for those literary types who might enjoy them.
http://www.bulwer-lytton.com (http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/)