Share Your Best Joke

[Dravyk]

Here's one of my all-time favorites. Amazing how it applies to business. http://oprano.com/msgboard/images/smilies/smile.gif


A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it.

At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it.


There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. If you are deep in shit, keep your mouth shut.

http://oprano.com/msgboard/images/smilies/smile.gif

[Trev]

You go first. :blink:

[Evil Chris]

Nice one Drav...
I dunno if this is my best... but it's funny.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today *hic* and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, *hic* the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it! *hic*"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk."

[domtheboy]

Trev, should I tell the Elton John & Rod Stewart one ?

[Nickatilynx]

I piss my pants laughing everytime I hear..

"Fuck No!! We have NEVER hsaved a webmaster"

And the kicker is when someone BELIEVES the person

[Trev]

Trev, should I tell the Elton John & Rod Stewart one ?
Hell yeah you should. ;)

[Trev]

It's not my best but it's my favourite (thanks Jeremy)

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie.

The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

[DrGuile]

saw The Boondock Saints this weekend... pretty decent movie:

Yakavetta: I'm having a shitty day. I'm depressed. Tell me a funny joke.
Rocco: Uh, OK. There's these three guys walking on the beach, a spic, a white guy, and a black guy.
Yakavetta: Nigger.
Rocco: Yeah, right. So they find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says, "You can wish for whatever you want." So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof. It's done. Then he says to the black guy...
Vincenzo Lipazzi: Nigger.
Rocco: Yeah, right, he says to the nigger "What do you want?" and the nigger says, "I want all my nigger brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof. And they're all back in Africa. So... I'm not funny today, really, this joke sucks, I know...
Yakavetta: Continue the joke.
Rocco: Uh, so he says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the spics and niggers are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then."

[Sin]

Here's mine, I find it amusing because its a real story from last year.

How many people does it take to open a can of soup?

4 brunettes, and one blonde.

I was out for dinner with "the family" (the family I was living with at the time while I went to school) and the grandmother couldn't figure out how to work her can opener. So, the mother tried... and she couldn't figure it out either. The son tried, and he couldn't figure it out either. I gave it a shot, ....I swear this had to be the dumbest fucking can opener ever.

Zoe, the blonde girlfriend of the son who we always are making fun of (because she's your typical "dumb blonde") finally got fed up with watching all us incompetents, grabbed the can opener & proceeded to open the can without any problems at all.

Boy did we ever feel dumb... lol

[Peaches]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies :

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

[TheEnforcer]

Ok.. here goes...



















Dravyk!!



:bustingup :lmao1:

[Dravyk]

Oy! Headless must be giving Enforcer humor lessons again. :blink:

[domtheboy]

OK, here goes.....

Elton John and Rod Stewart have been out for a night on the razz round London's seedy Soho area. It's in the wee small hours of the morning, and they're walking to the taxi rank to get a cab home when they pass a dingy back alley. Elton stops in his tracks. "What's the matter ?" asks Rod. "I think I heard someone shouting for help !" replies Elton - "It sounded like a woman !"

Quick as a flash Elton and Rod rush down the alleyway to assist the damsel in distress. Arriving on the scene, they find none other than Kylie Minogue in a rather awkward predicament. Her head has been jammed through some railings covering a rear window and she can't free herself. Her knickers are round her ankles, and the content of her purse are strewn across the alleyway floor. "Oh, thank God you've arrived !" wails Kylie, "I've been mugged and raped, please help me !".

Taking off his belt and unzipping his fly, Rod shakes his head and says, "Dear oh dear Kylie my love, tonight is just not your night !" And with that, Rod (true to his name) proceeds to get balls deep in Kylie for a good old session.

After a good 5 minutes of romping, Rod pulls out, turns to Elton and asks, "Yo Elton, are you having some of this or what ?" To which Elton replies...........















































"I'd love to Rod, but I don't know if I can get my head through those railings !" :yowsa:

[Red]

OK, here goes.....

Elton John and Rod Stewart have been out for a night on the razz round London's seedy Soho area. It's in the wee small hours of the morning, and they're walking to the taxi rank to get a cab home when they pass a dingy back alley. Elton stops in his tracks. "What's the matter ?" asks Rod. "I think I heard someone shouting for help !" replies Elton - "It sounded like a woman !"

Quick as a flash Elton and Rod rush down the alleyway to assist the damsel in distress. Arriving on the scene, they find none other than Kylie Minogue in a rather awkward predicament. Her head has been jammed through some railings covering a rear window and she can't free herself. Her knickers are round her ankles, and the content of her purse are strewn across the alleyway floor. "Oh, thank God you've arrived !" wails Kylie, "I've been mugged and raped, please help me !".

Taking off his belt and unzipping his fly, Rod shakes his head and says, "Dear oh dear Kylie my love, tonight is just not your night !" And with that, Rod (true to his name) proceeds to get balls deep in Kylie for a good old session.

After a good 5 minutes of romping, Rod pulls out, turns to Elton and asks, "Yo Elton, are you having some of this or what ?" To which Elton replies...........















































"I'd love to Rod, but I don't know if I can get my head through those railings !" :yowsa:


:biglaugh::biglaugh:

[gold4dinar]

Two rednecks decided they weren't going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." said the first redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said,
"Amazin!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife," continued the professor.

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right!" exclaimed the redneck. Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, History, and Logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example.
Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're QUEER, ain't ya?"

[PornoDoggy]

So one time, like, this PornoDoggy bought a computer ...

[Baxter]

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
“No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” She tells him, “Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.

But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.

Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I’LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES”

[Stacey_JoinRightNow]

Those are really funny joke, I have burst out loud... hahahahahaha

Here's mine:

Sign language
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."
"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times."

[Red]

This is an old favorite.

A woman in her 6th month of pregnancy with triplets was walking down the street just as an armed robber was running out of a store. The robber started shooting and the woman was hit with three bullets in the abdomen. After being rushed to the hospital, the doctors assured her the babies would be fine, but they felt it was in their best interest, and hers, not to try to remove the bullets.

The babies were born fine and healthy and nothing was ever mentioned of the incident for 15 years, until one day her daughter came to her in tears.

"What's wrong?" Asked her mother.

"Oh mom" She sobbed. "I went to the bathroom to pee and a BULLET came out."

"Calm down." Said her mother and proceeded to tell her what happened.

The next day, her other daughter came running in to her screaming hysterically.

"Mom, I went to the bathroom to pee and a BULLET came out." Her mother quickly told her the story to reassure her.

The following day, her son came in to her room crying. His mother looked at him and said.

"I know son, you went to the bathroom to pee and a bullet came out."

"No." He cried. "I was in my bedroom jerking off and I shot the dog"

[Anthony]

/me drops his drawers.

[EroticySteve]

This one is good.

A horse walks into a bar and sits down.

The bartender turns to him and says, "Why the long face".


LOL ROFLMAO

Just kidding that's not that funny, I know.