Official Rampant Silliness Thread

[MorganGrayson]

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?
The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a
women's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging
a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."


This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of willies are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, his willies like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties,it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree "
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

:gbounce:

[sarettah]

A father has decided to teach his son the difference between theory and reality. So, he takes the son into the house, finds his wife and asks her:

Honey, if a man payed you a million dollars would you sleep with him. His wife got all flustered and blushed but finally answered with "I hate to say it, but yes, I guess I would". The father tells her that's ok and proceeds down the hall to find his daughter.

When he finds her, he asks her.."Sweetie, if a man paid you a million dollars would you sleep with him". Without hesitation, the daughter answered, "Of course I would".

The father thanks her and takes his son back outside, sits him down and explains:

"see son, in theory, we are sitting on two million dollars...But, in reality...

we just live with a couple of whores"

:huh:

[Bhelliom]

An absolutely stunning 23 year old girl desparately wanted to be rich.....but she certainly didn't want to have to work. She didn't like the thought of marrying a rich guy, because it would only put a damper on all her party action. After a lot of thought, she decided her best bet was to marry some really old rich guy so that her departure from the party scene would be brief.
After a good deal of searching, she set her sights on a west Texas oilman/rancher who was pushing 90 years of age.
After wooing the man with all she had, they were married. He flew her to Manhattan for the honeymoon, taking her to the fanciest suite in the best hotel in town. After getting to their rooms, the old man wandered into the bathroom. The girl draped herself in the sexiest teddy she had and stretched out on the bed thinking how after only one night, she was bound to be a very rich widow.
Presently the old man walked out of the bathroom sporting the most enormous erection the girl had ever seen, and it was sheathed in a condom. The old man had wads of cotton stuffed in both ears and a clothespin on his nose.
Jumping off the bed, the girl asked "Why the hell do you look like that?".....
The old man chuckled and said "Darlin', there are two things in this world that I just can't stand.....the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber".

[MorganGrayson]

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

[Red]

A drunk is staggering down the street with his car keys in his hand, and his member hanging out when he sees a cop.

He says, "Officer, Officer somebody stole my car," gesturing with his keys.

The officer says, "Where did you have it?"

The drunk says, "On the end of this key."

The policeman notices that the drunk's member is hanging out and tells him, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The drunk looks down and sees his tool protruding from his pants zipper and says, "Shee-it! They got my girlfriend too."

[Red]

A woman in her 6th month of pregnancy with triplets was walking down the street just as an armed robber was running out of a store. The robber started shooting and the woman was hit with three bullets in the abdomen. After being rushed to the hospital, the doctors assured her the babies would be fine, but they felt it was in their best interest, and hers, not to try to remove the bullets.

The babies were born fine and healthy and nothing was ever mentioned of the incident for 15 years, until one day her daughter came to her in tears.

"What's wrong?" Asked her mother.

"Oh mom" She sobbed. "I went to the bathroom to pee and a BULLET came out."

"Calm down." Said her mother and proceeded to tell her what happened.

The next day, her other daughter came running in to her screaming hysterically.

"Mom, I went to the bathroom to pee and a BULLET came out." Her mother quickly told her the story to reassure her.

The following day, her son came in to her room crying. His mother looked at him and said.

"I know son, you went to the bathroom to pee and a bullet came out."

"No." He cried. "I was in my bedroom jerking off and I shot the dog"

[Red]

A chicken and an egg lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face. The egg, looking a bit peeved, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says, "We'll, I guess we finally answered THAT question"!!!!!!

[MorganGrayson]

:bustingup

[Evil Chris]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night.

Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way den." He spins around on his stool
and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite," he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

"Shoite, Shoite!" he cries. He looks to the doorway and says to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face.

"Bejesus . . . I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, shimmies
up the door frame, opens the door and collapses inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way."

But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed." Again he pulls himself up by the doorframe, takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says, "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking!"
And he falls into bed, comatose.

The next morning his wife, Jessie, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess, I did. I was fockin' pissed."

"I know," Jessie replies. Mick the bartender just phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub again."

[Bhelliom]

An Italian man emigrates to the U.S. and moves in with some distant relatives in Altoona.
They tell him he should apply for citizenship and they will help him study for the test.
They go over all the U.S. history from the Revolutionary war to present day.
Finally, he feels he has enough knowledge to pass the test so he sets an appointment.
He walks into the testing room and the agent giving the test thought he would have a bit of fun, so he said to the man "We have a very simple test for you today. If you can use three English words in one sentence, you will be granted citizenship! The words are green, pink and yellow.
The Italian man thought for several minutes and finally said "O.K., I think I can do that"
Than he said "I hearda the telephone go green, green, green, so I pink it uppa and I say yellow - who is this."

[Bhelliom]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."

[Bhelliom]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."


So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technoogy was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. Ifyou don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

[MorganGrayson]

Grown-Up Words

The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.
The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit."

[Lisa]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

[Lisa]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years-say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it"

[Bhelliom]

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun Sister
Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness
if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night
bath had gone."Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun."Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while
I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued," and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven
fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured salvation and eternal peace.And then Father John guided his Key to
Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years

[Nickatilynx]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Please don't tease my staff...


;-))

[MorganGrayson]

One Wrong Question

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the local man the job."

Boudreaux said "Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'neither do I.'

[MorganGrayson]

Redneck Jury

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

[domtheboy]

What's E.T. short for ?























































Because he's got really small legs :)

[Trev]

I love this thread :okthumb:

[MorganGrayson]

I'm so glad, Trev. :)

[SykkBoy]

A big moron and a little moron were sitting on a cliff, the big one fell off and the other didn't. Why?


Because he was a little moron
(it's funnier if read out loud ;-)

[SykkBoy]

What would you do to escpae if an elephant ate you?

Run around and around in his stomach until you get all pooped out.

[SykkBoy]

Did you hear the one about the condom that got pissed off...and went flying across the room?

[Evil Chris]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today *hic* and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, *hic* the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it! *hic*"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk."

[Bhelliom]

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year of marriage she went into hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying,"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motorrunning".
The following year the young bride gave birth again.The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running".
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said,
"Well, well, well! You certainly are quite a man!"
He responded, "You've got to keep that old motorrunning".
The nurse then said, "Well, you better change the oil.

This one's black."

[Vick]

See Sig

[Bhelliom]

What vick? Are you saying Cloud9 is a joke ? lol Sorry had to do it

[domtheboy]

An Iraqi thalidomide was arrested at Gatwick airport this morning. The man was a suspected terrorist.































































Police are charging him with trying to smuggle small arms into the country.

[Bhelliom]

Sitting Behind A Couple Of Nuns At A Baseball Game (whose Habits Partially
Blocked The View), Three Men Decided To Badger The Nuns In An Effort To Get
Them To Move.

In A Very Loud Voice, The First Guy Said, "i Think I'm Going To Move To Utah,
There Are Only 100 Nuns Living There."

The Second Guy Spoke Up And Said, "i Want To Go To Montana, There Are Only 5o
Nuns Living There."

The Third Guy Said, "i Want To Go To Idaho, There Are Only 25 Nuns Living
There."

One Of The Nuns Turned Around, Looked At The Men, And In A Very Sweet, Calm,
Voice Said, "why Don't You Go To Hell . There Aren't Any Nuns There."