JR
06-03-2004, 09:16 PM
JESUS GIVES UP
Bismarck, ND – In a stunning moment of glorious witness, Jesus Christ revealed his identity as a local video store employee named “Chris,” and threw up his arms in indignation and denounced Christianity as a whole.
“Crucify this, you fuckin’ assholes!” Jesus declared as he flipped off Ken, his manager and took to the streets, knocking on doors of residents’ homes and declaring his resignation as Lord and Saviour.
“I got fucking whipped, stabbed, and thrown up on crucifix to die so you fuckers can start wars and watch Jerry Springer? I don’t think so.”
The move shocked and awed the millions of disciples and worshipers of Christ, now faced with the possibilities of giving up, or finding a new Lord.
“What am I gonna do with all this paraphernalia?” local Christian Suzanne McDermott asked. “I must have like, a thousand pictures and paintings, calendars, wooden sculptures, and glass figurines of him in my home. Who will my family worship now?”
Jesus was last seen hitchhiking down Interstate -90 heading West, and gave an angry and abrupt testimony at a gas station in Missoula, Montana.
“My children, listen close, ‘cause I’m only sayin’ this once. I have to listen to all these stupid prayers about football game outcomes and American Idol contestants, and what do I get? Crucified, that’s what. Buddha’s all fat and happy, yet I’m starved, tortured and nailed to a couple planks of wood. Fuck Mel Gibson, and fuck you all. I come back from the dead and I have to work at the VideoPalace for $6.75 an hour? Go worship someone else, I’m outta here!”
Bismarck, ND – In a stunning moment of glorious witness, Jesus Christ revealed his identity as a local video store employee named “Chris,” and threw up his arms in indignation and denounced Christianity as a whole.
“Crucify this, you fuckin’ assholes!” Jesus declared as he flipped off Ken, his manager and took to the streets, knocking on doors of residents’ homes and declaring his resignation as Lord and Saviour.
“I got fucking whipped, stabbed, and thrown up on crucifix to die so you fuckers can start wars and watch Jerry Springer? I don’t think so.”
The move shocked and awed the millions of disciples and worshipers of Christ, now faced with the possibilities of giving up, or finding a new Lord.
“What am I gonna do with all this paraphernalia?” local Christian Suzanne McDermott asked. “I must have like, a thousand pictures and paintings, calendars, wooden sculptures, and glass figurines of him in my home. Who will my family worship now?”
Jesus was last seen hitchhiking down Interstate -90 heading West, and gave an angry and abrupt testimony at a gas station in Missoula, Montana.
“My children, listen close, ‘cause I’m only sayin’ this once. I have to listen to all these stupid prayers about football game outcomes and American Idol contestants, and what do I get? Crucified, that’s what. Buddha’s all fat and happy, yet I’m starved, tortured and nailed to a couple planks of wood. Fuck Mel Gibson, and fuck you all. I come back from the dead and I have to work at the VideoPalace for $6.75 an hour? Go worship someone else, I’m outta here!”