No politics tonight! Tell me your best joke!

[Mike AI]

Ok Time for something other then politics - I am worn out, it was a long week. But a lot got done!!

[Mike AI]

What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A brunette with bad breath.

[Mike AI]

What is 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1?






Bo Derek getting older...

[J'sdude]

Originally posted by Mike AI@Mar 19 2004, 08:12 PM
What is 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1?






Bo Derek getting older...
What's a Russian 10?

A 4 and a 6 pack

[gonzo]

http://www.nocomments.com/owned.html

[Lisa]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor of the elevator.

The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states, very matter of factly, "It looks like cum".

The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it smells like cum".

The blonde stoops down yet closer, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tongue and exclaims, "Well, it's nobody from our building.

[Lisa]

Some things you just cant explain...

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. The bar the bar manotices he's pretty meloncholy and asks him, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Barman: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Barman: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Barman: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Barman: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Barman: Again? Geez. So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Barman: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Barman: Hmmm... So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... Some things you just can't explain.

[Lisa]

This guy and his girl go parking in his car on the side of the road. They take off their clothes and jump in the back seat. All of the sudden a 18 wheeler comes around the bend and hits the car causing it to barrel roll over a hill. The girl gets thrown from the car and the guy is trapped. "Go get help" he said. She's standing there naked and her clothes were trapped with her boyfriend in the car. She noticed his shoes got thrown from the car as well. She picks up the shoes and heads for help. She walks down the road and spots a service station. She had to decide which part of her body she would hide, so she put the shoes up to her crotch and goes into the service station. She walks up to the mechanic and says "you gotta help me, my boyfriend is stuck." The Mechanic said, "Lady, If he's in that far, there's nothin' I can do for him!"

[davecummings]

An Irishman had been drinking at the Irish Pub all night. O'Grady, bartender
> finally said
> > that the bar is closing.
> >
> > So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand
> > one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some
> > fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
> >
> > Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to
> crawl
> > the four blocks up to his home.
> >
> > When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He
> > crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
> >
> > When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he
> > managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed
> and
> > is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
> >
> > He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
> > "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
> >
> > Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What
> > makes you say that?"
>

> His wife says "Because Murphy the Day Manager at the Pub just called to remind you that you left your wheel chair there again last night!"


Have a nice, and safe, weekend everyone (meaning use condoms and don't drink and drive)!

Dave Cummings

[PornoDoggy]

So this Republican walks into a bar ...

:D

[[Labret]]

Serge, Torone, Peaches, Carrie, and Gonzo playing trivial pursuit.

[Peaches]

Originally posted by [Labret]@Mar 20 2004, 12:52 AM
Serge, Torone, Peaches, Carrie, and Gonzo playing trivial pursuit.
I happen to kick ass in Trivial Pursuit. Mostly because my head is filled with trivial things. :P Except the sports and math questions. :(

[Hell Puppy]

How do you tell if Confucy is wearing panties?


....by whether or not there's dandruff on her shoes.

[gonzo]

Originally posted by [Labret]@Mar 19 2004, 11:52 PM
Serge, Torone, Peaches, Carrie, and Gonzo playing trivial pursuit.
Would you be the gamesmaster please Master peterbreath?

[Carrie]

He's too busy looking through his collection of gay men pics in the hopes of offending adult webmasters when he uses them as his avatar. :rolleyes:

LMFAO @ Dave's joke!!

[Vick]

Originally posted by PornoDoggy@Mar 19 2004, 11:39 PM
So this Republican walks into a bar ...

:D
You think he would have seen it

[stargaze]

A "George Carlin"Line..


Did you ever notice that the women that are against abortion...you would not want to fuck in the first place? :wacko:

[OldJeff]

Lets have both - Politics and Humor - as if it is possible to have the former without the latter :)

Another Carlinism - reality + common sense = comedy

Political Joke

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude & spotted a man below. she shouted to him," Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man tok out his portable GPS & replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, aproximately 30 feet above the ground, at an elevation of 2346 feet abofe sea level. You're at 31 Degrees 14.97 minutes north latitude, & 100 Degrees 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes & said, "You must be a republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know."

"Well" answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your imformation, & I'm still lost, frankly you have not been much help to me."

The man smiled & replied, "You must be a democrat."

"I am" replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," the man said, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a great quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, & you expect me to solve your problem. You are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow you now feel it's my fault."

[Winetalk.com]

Good one, Jeff!
;-))))

[Winetalk.com]

Living Statues
Two beautiful statues in a park, facing each other across the grass, one of a young girl and the other of a young man, looking towards each other like young lovers. These statues gave so much pleasure to people visiting the park that God looked down and decided to reward them with life for 30 minutes, on a Sunday when the park was closed to the public.

Immediately when they came alive, they ran together into the bushes and could be heard giggling and cooing with pleasure and the bushes were shaking. After 15 minutes they came out and realized that they still had 15 minutes more life to live.

"What shall we do now then" said the boy statue. "Let's do the same thing again" she replied. "Okay", said the boy statue, "but this time, you hold the pigeons down while I poop on their heads!!!".

[Winetalk.com]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. She went to tell Edna the news.

She said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good News is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad News is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved Him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

"Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?"

[Winetalk.com]

A gentleman went to the social security office to apply for social security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

[monaro]

Originally posted by Mike AI@Mar 19 2004, 08:03 PM
Ok Time for something other then politics - I am worn out, it was a long week. But a lot got done!!
Laying Off Sarah Or Jack
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"

[Meni]

Things Republicans Believe

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

[Winetalk.com]

Meni,
all this effort and Kerry still gonna lose....Nader outbeat Meni
;-)))

[Meni]

Originally posted by Serge_Oprano@Mar 20 2004, 05:35 PM
Meni,
all this effort and Kerry still gonna lose....Nader outbeat Meni
;-)))
Wanna Bet
Kerry beats GW?

[Winetalk.com]

Originally posted by Meni+Mar 20 2004, 06:29 PM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Meni @ Mar 20 2004, 06:29 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteBegin--Serge_Oprano@Mar 20 2004, 05:35 PM
Meni,
all this effort and Kerry still gonna lose....Nader outbeat Meni
;-)))
Wanna Bet
Kerry beats GW?[/b][/quote]
sure....

$100,000

need my escrow agent?

[J'sdude]

Originally posted by Serge_Oprano+Mar 20 2004, 04:57 PM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Serge_Oprano @ Mar 20 2004, 04:57 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>Originally posted by -Meni@Mar 20 2004, 06:29 PM
<!--QuoteBegin--Serge_Oprano@Mar 20 2004, 05:35 PM
Meni,
all this effort and Kerry still gonna lose....Nader outbeat Meni
;-)))
Wanna Bet
Kerry beats GW?
sure....

$100,000

need my escrow agent?[/b][/quote]
Morty, you really are afraid of a bet aren't you?

[Winetalk.com]

http://okdude.com/
family is calling

[Meni]

Serge
A gentleman's bet

better yet
oral sex