;-)))

[Winetalk.com]

1. Food has replaced sex in my life. Now, even I can't get into my own
pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it, so I asked,
"Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just
standing up fast.
6. Sign in a Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. I have my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.
8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
9. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
11. I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get
elected.
12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.
13. There are two sides to every divorce: yours and shithead's.
14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make
Bloody Marys.
But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades... now THAT'S a message!
15. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.
16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
18. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving
me lately!
19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.
20. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
rabbits
on the highway?
21. How come we choose from just two people running for president and 50
for
Miss America?
22. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

[Winetalk.com]

> Scientists at the Canadian Research Facility built a gun specifically to
> launch dead chickens at the windshields of Airlines and military jets, all
> travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
> incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
> windshields. NASA engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it
> on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made,
> and a gun was sent to the NASA engineers. When the gun was fired, the
> engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed
> into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through
> the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded
> itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The
> horrified Americans sent the Canadian Research Facility the disastrous
> results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and
> begged the Canadian scientists for suggestions. The Canadian Research
> Facility responded with a one-line memo: ...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Defrost the chicken."

[Almighty Colin]

:rokk:

[cj]

Never let it be said that Australian ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by
QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. P stands
for the Problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the
Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced
left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S: Autoland not installed
on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. S: Cannot
reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable
level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're
there for!

P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen. S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined
airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly) S: Engine
found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly
right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums. S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.